My mom. Where do I even begin.
I know it will never change... our "dynamic." Mostly because she's nuts.
Yesterday, after calling to secure our plans for the afternoon, I asked her for one thing. One tiny little teensy weensy thing.
"Can you get me 2 or 3 bunches of kale?"
I told her the best store to get them at was right as she gets off the freeway to my house, but instead of turning right, go straight through the intersection. "It's right in front of you as you get off the freeway."
Okay, got it, she said. Then she told me she was glad to stop since she still needed to get potatoes, which she planned to prepare here. "There's no time, mom. Why don't you just get a pie?" Yes, that's true, she agreed. Plus, that was what the hostess had asked her to bring. I bit my tongue, holding back the obvious question, "Then why the hell were you going to bring potatoes?"
An hour later than she said she'd be at my house (which if you know my mom, is right on time), I go out to the living room to greet her and she hands me a bag of...
"I needed kale."
"You said chard!!"
"No, mom. I said kale."
"No, you said CHARD!"
I know she knows she's wrong because her voice just got defensive. I take in a deep breath and figure, oh well... it'll be a little more wilty, but it'll be okay. So I calmly said,
"Mom, I know you want me to agree with you that I said chard, but I know I said kale. I never would have said chard. But that's okay... I'll just make this salad with chard." She continues to argue with me as I go into the kitchen to put the water to boil. After I drop the chard in (not kale), I return to my room to finish dressing.
Through the closed door I hear my mom telling my daughter that she brought her favorite pie... apple! My shoulders slumped. Everyone knows...
"Mima, I hate apple pie."
Oh that sweet little voice of disappointment coming from yet another little girl.
"No you don't, mija. You love apple... don't you?"
"I love pumpkin pie, Mima."
"Oh, well there will be plenty of pumpkin pie there."
In the car, my mom tells me she needs to stop to get whipped cream. I suggest we stop at the store I told her to get the KALE at earlier. She tells me she never found it.
"It's straight through the intersection, mom... right in front of you as you get off the freeway. How could you miss it?"
"You told me to cross the intersection past your house!" Ummm... the intersection past my house takes you straight to the beach, not a store. Why would I have said that? I wouldn't.
"MOM! I never said that!"
"YES, YOU DID!"
"Mom, why can't you just admit that you are wrong? That you screwed up? That you misunderstood everything I said?"
"Well you do talk funny."
THAT'S IT BITCH!!!
"Apologize to me or take me home!"
"Apologize for what?"
"For insulting me in front of my children!"
"You're just like your father."
So... how was YOUR Happy Dysfunction Day?