Since this post is about yesterday, I'm counting it as my Nov 1 post for NaNoBloMo. To be honest, I was in no position to type anything last night.
I had a tough morning. I made some decisions that I think were the best for myself and others, but in the early hours, when I was still grasping at the messages from my dreams, doubt began to creep in. By the time I met my friend for coffee, I was in full-blown freak out mode. But I pushed through that and got to work on finding work. Within hours, I was scheduled for a couple of interviews and was feeling pretty good about myself again.
Unfortunately, we had a situation that turned the day into a bit of a nightmare late in the night. It's too raw to share yet. Wait for the book, I guess. But I sat there feeling sorry for myself... and if you knew the story, you'd know that I had every goddam right to be... and being angry about a particular person and the circumstances he has put us in and how no matter how hard I try, I can't get away from being angry about the injustice of the whole situation.
And then I saw a post by a blogger friend. She had shared that another blogger had died. I squinted over and over hoping the face in the picture was not the one I knew it was. Her smile is unmistakable. It was her. It was Brandie.
Dear God... it was Brandie.
Brandie and I met at Feast Portland a few years back. She was with a group of Portland area bloggers and I was shipped in from San Diego, so I was sort of floating. She and the other bloggers kindly brought me into the fold. We kept in touch after I returned to Ensenada, but the last year and a half has been so chaotic in my world and we'd only connected on Twitter, so I had no idea that she'd been ill.
"Ill." As if cancer is a cold. No, she had been dying. I went to her Facebook page and wept as I looked back at the last year of selfies that I had never seen her post. Her body had been wracked by the cancer and the chemo. Even her smile had started to fade.
She had been frozen in my memory, looking like the woman in the picture above. But she had suffered and sadly passed away. And suddenly, my really horrible night was still horrible, but not in any way comparing to the loss of a light. Her light and beautiful smile and welcoming demeanor are what I remember. After reading so many tributes, it seems everyone had a similar experience with her. She was so giving and it's sad that people will no longer be able to receive.
Cancer is a horrible and indiscriminate monster.