Tears just started flowing this morning and I couldn't make them stop.
We were at church, talking about unconditional love and the freedom of letting go of hurts. I was nodding my head in agreement about how it's not your circumstances, but how you react to them that matters. I was amen-ing when the pastor said that we are loved unconditionally, no matter what.
And then the word abandonment came up and I lost it.
God is always there, loving us unconditionally. Without getting into how humans have screwed that simple truth up, I know this. Deep in my inner core, I grok the shit out of this. I know that, no matter what anyone does to me or what they might say to me, God is on my side. It took a LONG time to understand that, and it's in that understanding that I've been able to overcome so much. So much that I rarely mention in public.
But my kids...
Whether they believe this or not, they are going to have to deal with their father's abandonment for years to come. It will color every relationship in their lives. It will come up every time someone even hints at them not being good enough. It will manifest at school, at work, in love, either as insecurity or as overachieving or building walls. They won't feel like they're good enough, until they figure out that they have nothing to prove to anyone.
I know this because I had to deal with it, too.
That's why I couldn't stop crying. It's why tears are streaming down my face right now. I would do ANYTHING to take that pain away from them. If there was a way to transfer those feelings on to me to deal with, I would do it. I don't want them to go through life thinking they aren't good enough just because some selfish bastard walked away and left them without any support. I know that there's a lot I can do to combat those feelings of abandonment, but there's only so much I can impress upon them before they have to take over and believe that they are worthy of unconditional love. And even when humans fail them, they are still worthy.
I can get over what that man did to me... but I'm having a really hard time dealing with what his actions are doing to our kids. While Mr. Jones is enjoying his freedom, his kids are dealing with his abandonment. And there is nothing I can do to protect them from that.