I used to think I had special magical powers. I made things happen that would blow your mind. But a couple of weeks ago, I had a wonderful session with my wise friend, Jana and I came to realize that it's never been magic.
It's always been love.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's fear. There was a time that I loved my soon-to-be-ex. Then I came to fear him to the point of needing to get a restraining order. That fear has affected every cell in my body to the point of uncontrollably shaking at the mere sight of him. I feel mostly safe these days, but I still jump at a car coming down the driveway. Just this morning, my son tried coming in the front door, but it was locked. He rattled the door and rang the bell. My heart started pounding, body started shaking, and I could barely feel my legs. It took at least fifteen minutes to feel normal again. I'm still afraid.
And I hate that.
The day I feel nothing about my ex will be a good day. I want to come to a place where I'm ambivalent about my feelings over what he's done. I want to feel safe and calm if I come across him on the street or at the market. I don't want to feel anger about what he's put our family through. I want to feel...
Not love for him. Just love. Love, as in the feeling you get when you're in the middle of doing your most favorite thing. The feeling of gliding down the coast on my bike. Or floating over the crest of a wave out past the break. Or climbing a trail and looking back at the mountain I just scaled. I want to feel that kind of love. A love for life that feels like magic.
Mostly, I want to feel free of fear.
Sometimes I almost feel sorry for my ex. He's missing out on so much love because of his selfishness. He is running from his responsibilities and has left his kids without any support. Because of his actions, he's not allowed to see them. He has the opportunity to ask for supervised visits, but he hasn't even tried. Instead, he continues to take actions that put his kids' well-beings in jeopardy. I don't know that there's anything he can do at this point to undo the damage he's done to those relationships.
But I can't dwell on that. I can only work on helping the kids through the situation and on opportunities to work so that I can support my little family. Living in fear is a normal reaction to all that I've been through, but without knowing it, I stopped the flow of good things coming my way, including work. I have to consciously put love out into the world to combat the effects of that fear and to allow blessings into my life.
I know it probably sounds ridiculous to make yourself love, but why? We can make ourselves smile until we actually feel like smiling, so why not make yourself feel loving until your heart actual feels like it's loving? Actively loving is a daily practice for me now. It's part of my morning meditation, which most times, happens on the roof of my truck. I pictured a rainbow of LOVE leaving my heart and streaming out into the world. Some mornings, I feel love for everyone in the whole world.
It's not as woo woo as you think. I'm already feeling the blessing of that love coming back to me in more ways than I'd anticipated. That's not to say I won't call bullshit on anyone. I'm not an idiot. I know that you can love and bless others without letting yourself be trapped by an unhealthy relationship. It's not enough to just love your problems away. Sometimes, you have to pick your ass up off the floor and kick a little ass, no matter how scared you are. That's self love, and that's probably the best magic to combat the monsters in our lives.
Eventually, the scary monsters will get so small because your love is so big and life will once again be magical.