Without going into delicious details, I'll just sum it up with the fact that I had two panic attacks in the last week and a half. While I am prone to hysteria at times amidst certain family members and exes, I'm not the type to catch a case of the vapors. I'm a pretty tough broad, to be honest with you. The last several moves I've made, I've either done them alone or with one other person; my husband. I don't get sick that often, and if I do, I make my body expel that shit in one day because ain't nobody got time for that shit.
When life gets all screwed up, I don my thinking cap and think myself to death. I think all day about solutions, temporary and long term. I investigate the crap out of each possibility and then try everything in order to get the most crisis coverage possible. I stay awake until 2:00am, not because I want to continue thinking, but because it takes about that long to wind down from all the stress. I pop out of bed at 6:00am because that's what my body says to do and I figure, what the hell, let's get back to thinking and solving.
So far, we've sort of kept ourselves afloat.
But the last few weeks, the lemons were being thrown at us way too fast to make lemonade. We were being hit and bruised by those suckers. And this week, I finally lost the ability to put a positive spin on everything. I cracked. Today, I woke up in that same crisis mode, completely fatigued, not knowing how we were going to take care of one particularly big thing in our lives.
Then, this afternoon, I suddenly felt light. As though the weight had been lifted from my body. A strange thought occured to me.
"This is what it feels like to give up."
And just as quickly, I thought, maybe something is on the horizon... something we've been waiting for...
But before I could noodle it much longer, that feeling of the weight lifting was taken over by a strong desire to sleep. My body was saying, "Hush, little rabbit. You're a wreck. Sleep now."
So I did.
When I woke up, I knew I had been out for a while. The house had cooled and the patio was turning orange from a sun racing to the horizon to set. I checked my phone for the time. I had slept for THREE hours. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up to check email to see if there was anything pending... and that's when I read it. The news we'd been waiting for... that glimmer of hope.
Apparently, my body knew something that my mind had not yet found out about.