For the last couple of months, I have been living on a whole lot of faith.
It's safe to say that I've been living on a ridiculous amount of faith. I think friends have been worried about my near delusional level of expectation that things will just magically work out. My faith has always been pretty strong, but I don't think I ever really believed that God and His Universe would conspire so creatively to make things happen. I've been tested over and over in this short time, and every time I start to tremble, some crazy thing happens to remind me to stop crying over our jacked up plans and to just deal with the fact that we are completely in His hands.
And just when I feel like the feather in the wind in Forrest Gump, things just *POOF* fall into place in some random, crazy, mysterious, way... in a way that I can not deny that my God had his hands all over it.
Even with ALL the proof I've had that things are going to be okay, this morning, my faith was just shaken, trembling under the weight of my human mind trying to put the shards of glass back together. This morning, fear rocked me deeper than it has these past few months. I can honestly say that the feeling I had in my heart was pure despair.
I held back tears in front of my daughter as we dropped her off at the school bus, but once she was a safe distance from the car, I lost it. I wasn't sure what answer I expected from my husband when I asked, "What are we going to do?" He just shook his head, put his hand on my leg, and drove us to the beach for a walk.
There really isn't any place better to remember how great and massive and powerful God is than in the splendor of his creation. As we walked and talked along the strand, my heart became calmer. By the time we got to the pier, I was feeling a million times lighter.
We watched surfers catching waves, Marines jumping from the pier on some exercise that I wished I was involved in, and an old hippie/surfer dude making bubbles. I sat there and watched the humungous bubbles slowly appear and flobbing and float through the air in front of me, popping only when they touched the weathered wood of the pier.
I actually giggled.
Then I came home and got back to work, believing deep inside that this low point would be covered... that God had our backs... because I had no other solution than to just have faith.
And then the phone call (or at least ONE of the phone calls) that we were waiting for finally came. While we in no way won the lotto, and while we still have a couple of other calls that need to come in, and we still have to keep moving in this new direction that we hadn't planned on just a year ago, we now have a life raft that will get us back to safe harbor.
God is good.
All the time.