Several months back, I said I needed to find a place for my words. At the time, I was mostly writing on a document in the cloud, processing my grief there and in audio files on my phone. Eventually, the words to better stories and the lessons I’ve gathered along the way started to bubble up, begging to be spoken. I remembered how much I missed video and podcasting and, while at a conference of some fabulous blogging peers, I decided that I was going to start using those mediums again.
Then I got home and quickly got to beating myself up again for not having my shit together.
Every weekend, I had a plan to get started that Monday morning. I wanted to start a new podcast called “Coffee with Sugar.” I would talk to friends about what they were working on, just like my last podcast. But who and about what? One day, a friend crashed on my couch overnight on his way from Phoenix to Baja. The next morning, while chatting over breakfast, I said, “Hey, this conversation is so awesome… do you mind if I record us?” He said yes, and it was awesome!
Then nothing happened.
That’s not entirely true. I asked a friend to help me edit the recording, and then to teach me a little about the tech. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I said, “Don’t overwhelm me with the advanced stuff because I’ll just want to quit,” he kept telling me about all the advanced stuff and that made me want to quit. I know he meant well, but the overwhelm derailed me.
Then there was the name. While I got a lot of great responses to the name of the podcast, so many others kept asking, “Have you seen the new Jerry Seinfeld show on Netflix about comedians having coffee?” It was mentioned enough times that I scrapped the title, and eventually started to question myself and the project.
And so I started to feel disheartened about Coffee with Sugar.
Then I thought, why not just do some videos straight to YouTube? I did some research for videos and topics that women my age are creating, but what I found was that it was all about vanity, so I knew there was an opportunity for the topics I had in mind. But then MY vanity kicked in and I started comparing myself to my video heroes, including Marie frikkin’ Forleo with her beautiful studio and her professional production team and I thought, “Who are you kidding, Sugar?”
I know… I know… don’t compare, right? I try not to, and most of the time, I get myself out of that pit of despair. But some days, that damn lizard brain wins out and my pity party can get really out of control.
Then it happened…
One Monday, just before I was ready to toss all of my ideas, I got a text. It was an accountability buddy messaging me for the third Monday in a row asking what I was doing to get my project up and going. I texted her back that I just wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing and maybe I should just wait another week. I sat on the stairs with my head in hands, thinking of all the pros and how I’m so not them, and said to myself, “Jesus, Sugar… you are such a hot fucking mess.” And that’s when it finally hit me.
I am a hot mess.
So I embraced that shit, jumped on Facebook, pressed “live” and did my first Hot Mess Monday. I’ve done one chat every week for the last twenty-three weeks. Technically, twenty-four weeks, but sadly, that first one where I said “Fuck it… this is what we’re doing” has been lost to some digital monster under the Facebook bed. Whatever. Twenty-three is still pretty damn good. It took me the first eight to ten to hone the message, which is basically this:
Life is one big hot mess. We can embrace some of it and the rest, we can clean up.
Topics have been mostly in the self-improvement genre, like being enough and practicing gratitude. The first video that really resonated with a lot of people was the first one I recorded from my page. It was about being married to an alcoholic. I recorded it the week before the anniversary of Larry’s passing. It was tough and I cried and I almost deleted it… but as with everything I’ve ever done online, I knew it was something someone needed to hear. Holy cow, was it ever.
Since then, I’ve chatted with a therapist about codependency, chatted with a friend who knows about aromatherapy and emotional release, and with another friend who launched a podcast about haunted travels where we discussed our wacky spiritual beliefs. I’ve also talked about crappy self-talk and my car troubles, so there’s that.
It’s always better when friends come along and join the conversation, so if you’re around on Monday morning at 9-ish Pacific (I never start right at 9… too off brand for me) then join the fun! If you’re a hot mess and can’t make it on time, don’t worry. You can always replay and leave comments later.
Hope to see you in the chat!
Click to like and watch: Hot Mess Monday LIVE